To my contemporaries,
I recently became embroiled in a bitter feud with my long-time chess rival Quan Bui, and subsequently have been stripped of my historical position as Chess Club Treasurer (2005-6). I admit I embezzled funds away from our bi-monthly Wednesday $5 Little Caesars Pizza Night; instead, purchasing scratch-off lottery tickets in an attempt to afford a screen protector for my cracked iPhone 4s. This downward spiral all began when I had the frightening realization that my profile picture on a 3rd tier dating app wasn't an accurate representation of my most-current socioeconomic status. So I attempted to rescue a photogenic designer dog, but was shunned on our maiden Runyon Canyon hike where I was wrongly accosted by millennials. In fact, I picked up the aforementioned dog's excrement and disposed of it with a plastic grocery store shopping bag. Unfortunately, this seemingly noble act was captured while in the background of a prominent social media influencer's live video feed - sponsored by Trader Joe's (a business which only offers customers *paper* bags). This act sent a conflicting message to their digital audience, and I immediately received threatening messages from their loyal followers. Later, I drowned my sorrows in $2 buck chuck, swiped blindly to the right on Tinder, and failed to properly recycle the wine bottle - mistakenly discarding it into a neighbor's "Yard Waste ONLY" refuse container. For these transgressions, I apologize.
"I shall return." - General MacArthur, upon leaving the Philippines in 1942 while smoking a corn cob pipe.